The New York Times (1851-2007): R.I.P.

RELIABLE SOURCES have informed this website that the American newspaper, The New York Times, passed away on October 20 at the age of 156. The same sources indicate that despite initial reports attributing the cause of death to chronic jaundice, the coroner’s report is expected to state the once-proud media outlet, formerly referred to as “the newspaper of record” by people who should have known better, died of self-inflicted wounds.

News of the fatality arrived at this site through a telephone call from the offices of the Saga Shimbun, a local newspaper in Japan. When asked if the reports of the Times’ demise were credible, the informant stated the Saga newspaper’s employees had spent the day in stunned disbelief and laughter after reading this article, which appeared on the 20th. “If they think this is journalism,” the informant stated, “rigor mortis set in decades ago. It’s absurd, starting with the premise, and it gets worse with each paragraph. I’m surprised this story got past an editor during the first draft.”

Investigators summoned to the home of the deceased on Eighth Ave. in New York City were puzzled by the condition of the premises and theorized the newspaper might have choked on its own parody. “We seriously considered the possibility they just made the whole thing up as a prank,” one revealed. “It’s easy to picture the author smirking to himself when he threw in that nonsense about the ninja.” The investigators concluded, however, that while the Times’ journalism had indeed been a running joke for years due to the unreliability of its stories, particularly about Japan, the article in question was written in dead seriousness.

First, they reportedly found Times’ fingerprints all over the piece: the assignment was conducted by a journalist completely ignorant about anything Japanese, and the article incorporated several unsupported premises, backhanded smears, and intentional distortions (“queer tools”) to convey a negative impression about a story it concocted out of thin air to begin with.

Also, medical personnel at the scene confirmed the lack of a pulse and fixed the time of death at that point the author tried to draw a connection between the alleged fear of crime and the unrelated and intentionally comic creation of chindogu. (Here is a previous Ampontan report on chindogu.) “You’d have to be brain dead to try to make that connection in a legitimate news article,” noted a generic professor of journalism. “And the inclusion of chindogu is a dead giveaway–their inventor specifically stated that they’re not meant to be used.”

Police detectives considered the possibility of a conspiracy, but soon eliminated that hypothesis, again because all the typical Times elements were present. These included the obviously staged photograph and the excessive reliance on a sole source of dubious credibility. “Don’t forget,” said one detective, “this is the same newspaper that lied in its own pages about a joint poll it conducted with CBS News because it didn’t get the results it hoped for.”

Further, this website can reveal that a private investigator interested in the case has turned up information showing that the clothing alleged in the article to be worn as protection from street crime is in fact an eccentric work of art. The Times’ sole source, Aya Tsukioka, is an artist with her own Japanese-language website, where she sells the clothing for 91,000 yen apiece, or almost $US 800.00. The clothing in question has been shown in several art exhibitions dating back to 2001. Said one official, “It wouldn’t be the first time a member of the media bought the farm when it got suckered by bogus information in an overzealous attempt to disparage its subject. Consider the case of the late Dan Rather.”

When informed that publication of the Times had continued after the 20th, the date the article appeared, and therefore it might still be alive despite the absence of vital signs, a person closely connected with the case who spoke on the condition of confidentiality quickly brushed aside the suggestion. “Think of the Times as a type of prehistoric dinosaur. They had immense bodies, but their brains were the size of walnuts. Those bodies would still twitch and thrash even after the brain ceased functioning because it took so long for the signals to travel the length of their nervous systems.”

But the same informant admitted the perception that the Times had survived was a source of concern. “The Internet is glutted with websites that are the intellectual equivalent of people who chew food with their mouths open. These sites require content, and the people who run them are incapable of producing it themselves. That content also has to be superficially clever and unusual enough to attract attention. Many of those sites might link to that article as a way to achieve credibility because they mistakenly believe the Times is still a real newspaper.”

“We’re also concerned that some people might refuse to believe the Times has given up the ghost and insist it is living under an assumed identity as an advertising supplement folded into a Pocatello, Idaho suburban weekly,” he continued. “You know the type—the kind of people who actually believe that 9/11 was an ‘inside job’. We’re bracing ourselves for a rash of false sightings similar to those we received from people who claimed they saw Elvis after his death.”

“Before you scoff,” he cautioned, “consider this. Elvis Presley had ceased to be a real singer for some time before succumbing to his own demons. The man was a musical zombie. He presented ersatz music that satisfied people incapable of recognizing the real thing. Substitute ersatz journalism for ersatz music, and you’ve got the situation in which the Times found itself during its declining years.”

Funeral arrangements are pending, but a family spokesman said any services would be private and might not be held at all due to a lack of interest. “People no longer took the Gray Lady seriously, and some even thought she was already dead. It’s no wonder–she willingly discarded her integrity years ago.”

He suggested that in lieu of flowers, people could send financial contributions to the Committee to Restore Competence to American Journalism.